It's Over
by CrazyBuff
Summary: End of 'As You Were', Buffy's POV


TITLE: Its Over  
BY: Sunnyshine405@aol.com  
RATING: PG  
DISTRIBUTION: Its all yours. Just tell me where its going.  
DISCLAIMER: I'm going to give them back, Joss, I swear. I was just playing with them. =-P  
SPOILERS: Up to "As You Were"  
SUMMARY: Buffy's perspective on the break up.  
AUTHOR'S NOTES: I most defiantly am going to make a sequel.  
  
  
  
I can't believe I'm really doing this. I'm going to break his heart, after all he's done for me. After all I've done to him. I just need a break from the sex and the confusion. I need a break to sort things out.   
He was right that first night. I felt something. I always have. I've ignored it long enough. I need to face up to it. And I can't have the temptation of hiding behind sex.  
No matter what I've said and done, I do care about him. A lot. He means more to me than he'll ever know.  
I don't know how I'm supposed to stay away from him. How I'm even going to go through with telling him that its over. Well, its more of a break, but I don't want to get up his hopes and crush him once agian.  
Why you ask, am I taking a break from him? I'm sick of feeling like I'm using him. If we're going to be together, I want it to be the real stuff. I want to be able to say that I have feelings for him. So there you go. I need to spend time with him in a non-sex way. A friend way. And be honest with myself... and him. I haven't really done either when it comes to our 'relationship'  
Now that I'm on the lower level, I see him sorting through the rubble. I feel a pang of guilt go through me. I blew up his place, now what is he going to do?  
I take a deep breath as I aproach him. I stop at a safe distance.  
"So she's back," He says. He doesn't sound too excited.   
"Thought you'd be off snogging the soldier boy by now," He adds.   
Oh. He thought that...  
"He's gone," I tell him.   
He looks up at me, surprised.  
"Come for a bit of cold comfort, then?" He looks back at the bed. "The bed's blown, but that was never our.."  
God, he looks so sad. A rush of tenderness washes over me. I want to just take him in my arms and comfort him.  
And even though it kills him, he'd have sex with me even if I just needed it for comfort. It makes me feel so bad about what I'm going to do.  
"I didn't come here to.." I really don't need to finish that sentance.   
I look into his eyes. Hey, wait a sec, is that guilt I see there? He probably thinks I'm pissed off about the whole "Docter" thing. Okay, I know I was supposed to just come here and tell him its over and leave, but I can't. I have to tell him how I really feel.   
Damn those puppy dog eyes of his.  
"And I didn't come here to bust your chops about your stupid scheme. That's just you," I can't help an almost smile. "I should have remembered."  
He looks relieved. Goal scored for Slayer team!  
But only for a second.  
"So this is worse then. This is you telling me.." Wow, this guy just reads me like a book. He knows what I'm about to say.  
"Its over," I finish for him.  
"I've memorized this tune, luv." He walks over closer to me. "Think I have the sheet music."   
And yet agian, he's right. Is it just me, or does that bug anyone else?  
"It doesn't change what you want," He says, somewhat hoarsly.  
He may act cocky and confident, but thats all it is. An act. He doesn't really think I feel anything for him. I can read him too.  
I know now that I have to tell him the truth.  
"I know that." I look him straight in the eye. "I do want you"  
Wow, he can be so expressive with those eyes of his. He looks like a little boy on Christmas morning.  
I realize how much I don't want to do this. But, I have to.  
But first I have to put in a good word or so for us.  
"Being with you..." Deep breath. I'm going in. "..makes things simpler. For a little while."  
"I don't call 5 hours straight a little while," He reminds me.   
I flash back to that night. I have to chase away the soft smile that wants to creep onto my lips. Its not happy time now.   
I decide to just get it out. Get over with what I have to say to him.  
"I'm using you. I can't love you." Where in the hell did that come from? I don't know what I feel for him, and here I am saying that I can't love him. Good job Summers.  
"I'm being weak and selfish." Now that is defiantly more truthful than 'I can't love you'. "And-"  
He cuts me off, steeping closer. "Really not complaining here."  
I can hear the desperate tone his voice has taken on. He doesn't care how he has me right now, all that matters is that he does.  
"And its killing me," I finish, watching as his forehead creases a little. Its hitting him now. Its over. For real this time. It makes me want to cry. I want so badly to take it back. To throw myself in his arms..  
No.  
"I have to be strong about this," I found myself thinking outloud. Now I'm the one with the desperate tone.  
"I'm sorry.. William."   
I am so so sorry.   
I allow myself to stare into those deep blue eyes for just a moment longer before turning and leaving.  
Its better this way, I tell myself.  
Than why do I already miss him?  
And why is there a tear rolling down my face?  
No, I tell myself. Be strong.  
I walk out the door. No looking behind.  
I get as far as the cemetary gate before I break down and cry.  
  
End 


End file.
